In a display highlighting new RNC Chairman Michael Steele’s willingness to take a pair of nunchucks to any Republican member of Congress who deviates from the party line, Steele admitted the other day that serious consideration was being given to how so-called renegade Senators Arlen Specter, Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins could be “disappeared” for daring to side with Democrats in voting for the recently-enacted economic stimulus package, which every other Republican in Congress voted against. I’m just kidding about the whole “disappeared” thing. He hasn’t amassed enough power yet to pull something like that off. But like any “Great Leader” in a Communist regime would do, he’ll keep at it, and it should only be a matter of time before he’s got the reeducation camps up and running, and ready for guests. In this case, it seems the three moderates — who appear to have voted their collective conscience — could be the first to to receive all-expenses paid trips to the Republican version of one of the late Alexander Solzhenitsyn’s Siberian gulags. Or made to take jobs as American auto company CEOs. You can take your pick as to which is worse. Me? I’d choose the Siberian vacation over the Detroit version of waterboarding any day of the week.
Now, I’m not necessarily for or against this stimulus package. Truth be told, at over a thousand pages long, I’m still trying to wade through several of the more obscure funding initiatives in hopes of finding my own personal “Obama stimulus check,” which I’m promised in at least thirty emails a day from guys named Dirk Loblollyboy or Francis Plentimaniac is already approved and waiting for me. I also need to come up with the fourteen dollar “funding fee” to get it, but I’ve
collected enough returnable soda pop bottles to pull it off, so I anticipate receiving my share of fabled government pork any day now, as opposed to the real government cheese I’ve dined upon once in a while.
Where was I? Oh, yes…the three Senators who threw in with most of the Democrats to get the stimulus bill passed. As I said, I’m not too sure about the bailout itself. Certainly it’s the largest single spending bill in the history of this country, and of the planet, to be honest. Whether it works or not will make or break Barack Obama’s presidency, and I personally have a few nagging doubts about its success. But, really…that’s not my point. No, what’s got my adult diapers in a twist is this worrisome tendency by certain people in the once-formidable Grand Old Party to engage in the kind of suppression of voting that’d warm the cockles of Libyan “President for Life” Muammar Khadafi’s black heart.
Saying that he was “open to supporting primary challenges” against the three miscreants, Steele smugly told Fox News’s Neil Cavuto that dammit, you just can’t let people in the Congress go off the reservation like Trotsky, uh…I mean, Snowe, Collins and Specter did. Honestly; I’m magnanimous enough to concede Steele probably has the right to bring a little order to the mewling herd of cats the Republican Party’s turned into these days, and Lord knows they need it. But does he need to have every single one of them turn into a right-wing version of Mary Shelley’s Igor, slavishly obeying any command issuing from the mouth of Newt Gingrich’s Dr. Frankenstein? Hey, this is America; Land of the Free and Home of the brave stimulus check. I mean Brave! At least, it’s brave without a stimulus check in hand, or something like that. Whatever. But what America most definitely isn’t, though, is the Home of the Mindless Automaton. Except when it comes to American Idol, from what I can see.
Hey, Mike? Want a bit of advice? Good, because here it is: You should learn to show a little tolerance. After all, that’s what helped you once get elected to a lieutenant governorship. And also to a job serving as the chairman of the WHOLE Republican Party, not just its far right wing.
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